


just look at the mess we've made (we both know that we can't stay)

by red_thread



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F, F/M, Family friends AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-20
Updated: 2016-04-20
Packaged: 2018-06-03 09:26:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6605506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/red_thread/pseuds/red_thread
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She fell in love.</p><p>(And that was never meant to happen.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	just look at the mess we've made (we both know that we can't stay)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [whythebananas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/whythebananas/gifts), [babytobin_horse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/babytobin_horse/gifts).



> so just as a forewarning, I have no idea when the second part will come out but lemme know what you think? and how you wanna see it end? if you decide to read this anyway.
> 
> oh but mad shout out to @whythebananas and @babytobin_horse for always being down to read through and help sort out my stuff.

It was never meant to happen.

 

The city blurs across Alex’s eyes--reds and yellows flicker and smudge as they speed down the empty highway. Tobin’s nimble fingers lightly tapping against the steering wheel to a song Alex knows by heart (she could recite it faster than the 14 lines of the sonnet presentation she totally bombed). 

 

It was simple. If anything, it was them. 

 

When the beat picks up and the chorus floods out Alex can just feel Tobin’s eyes on her. She knows what the brown eyed girl is waiting for, what she’s expecting, but it never comes. Instead what does come is the continued silence that permeates the odd gaps between.

 

_ This _ \--the silence, the  _ gaps-- _ wasn’t them.

 

She’s staring. Tobin, ever the advocate of safe-ish driving, wasn’t the type to ever take her eyes off the road for too long and yet in the silent moments that follow Alex’s missed chorus, the blue eyed girl hadn’t had a good 30 seconds without feeling Tobin’s eyes on her. It was unsettling to say the least. 

 

So when Tobin finally speaks up, her words coming out as airy puffs in the terribly insulated car, Alex isn’t too surprised. 

 

“You know,” The brunette’s voice is crisp and clear as it shatters the silence Alex so adamantly created. “I’m going to change the name of this playlist to  _ Solo Jams _ if you don’t jump in on your parts.” 

 

Alex can just feel Tobin’s smirk pressing into her skin and it shoots up her spine and blooms across her cheeks. (Later Alex would say that she ducked her head further into her scarf because Tobin needs to fix her heater and that her cheeks were red and rosy from being wind bitten--again poor insulation, right?). Bottom lip pressed beneath her teeth, Alex does what she can to keep from smiling and turning around to glare at the brown eyed girl.

 

She’s been doing that a lot lately, Alex, missing her cues, falling short on her parts--holding back. So much so that she can’t help but find it a little ironic, because yes she  _ totally _ missed her part in  _ Rather Be _ and apparently she’s totally fallen short on her part in her best friend’s life too. 

 

“How?” One might ask of The Alex Morgan,  3.769 GPA, Varsity Girls Soccer Co-captain, National Honor Society Officer, and the face of every “Girl Next Door” stereotype, does she “fall short” in Tobin Heath’s life? 

 

Well the answer to that is simple. 

 

She fell in love with her. 

 

(And  _ that _ was never meant to happen.)

  
  


\--

 

But it did. 

 

Oh boy, it  _ did. _

 

And it’s not even like it’s her fault too. 

 

(She also figures it can’t be Tobin’s fault either and it’s definitely not because she can’t find it in her to blame the girl, she just - she couldn’t - she doesn’t want to say - you know what, whatever. She just can’t). 

 

So she settles for a reasonable answer: It’s the Universe’s fault. 

 

Or the red string of fate.

 

The stars aligning...?

 

...Their fucking zodiac signs?

 

Okay, so she’s a little desperate on those last two but can she even be blamed for it?

 

No.

 

(Probably.)

 

How can she even think straight (no pun intended, though it did make her chuckle which was quickly followed by the _  “dammit Morgan, get your shit together” _ pep talk) with way her heart flutters when Tobin’s around. 

 

The answer? She can’t. Always; she can’t. 

  
  


\--

 

So of course, Alex caves. When it comes to Tobin, she always caves.

 

(Although not without one of her signature eye rolls. 

 

_ “Dude seriously stop doing that! They could get stuck back there!”  _

 

_ “Honestly, Tobin, do you even hear yourself sometimes?” _ )

 

Alex spends the rest of the night belting out the rest of the songs trying to ignore the way her chest pinches and cheeks ache.

 

And when Tobin glances over at Alex with a smile that reaches the glint in her eyes, Alex tries to ignore that too. 

 

(It’s the last thing she sees before she falls asleep that night.)

 

\--

 

It's Thanksgiving break and they try to take advantage of Tobin being home from college, so they go out every night. 

 

A new song added to their  _ Epic Jams _ playlist almost every other day during their week off together.

 

It almost makes Alex think nothing's changed. 

 

"Drake? Really?" Disbelief coloring her tone as Alex whips her head to look at Tobin. Her mouth is agape, the corners of her lips lifting as she questions the brunette with all the amusement she can. "Since when has Tobin Powell Heath casually listened to Drake? Or actual rap?" 

 

"A teammate got me into it. It's pretty cool, right?" The girl is nodding her head as she asks, keeping her eyes on the road as her smile grows. Alex would've said something if she hadn't been caught up in the fact that One Dance was playing, and as if that wasn't enough of a shock, Tobin starts dancing in her seat - the lame kind of bobbing of her head and rolling of her shoulder and --

 

"Oh my god!" Alex busts out with wide eyes and a hearty laugh, one Tobin makes too. 

 

"What?!"

 

"You're doing the Hotline Bling dance! What the fuck Tobin?"

 

"No, I'm not! I'm doing the shoulder thing, not the phone one!"

 

"Who are you and what have you done to my worship/pop/indie and alternative loving best friend?"

 

"Shut up, Al." Tobin laughs.

 

A little while later, at a red light, Tobin grabs her phone from Alex's hands ( _"Hey! Passenger seat has DJ rights! It's law!"_ ) and starts scrolling through her music. "Okay, so this one is one of my new favorites." Tobin says with a smile tugging on her lips. She spares a quick glance towards Alex before finally playing the song. "The beat takes time to build and the lyrics are pretty great so try and like... try to like take it in as much as you can, okay?" 

 

It's quiet as the song starts and immediately, Alex feels the hairs on the back of her neck stand.

 

**I think that the stars would've waited, for us**

**hanging onto the night watching down below**

**'Til we were hand in hand together waiting for them**

**So when I opened my eyes, I saw them too**

**Stars fallin' down, and I fell for you**

 

 

Blue eyes dart toward Tobin, casually bopping her head along with beat gradually picking up her pace as the song progresses and the beat grows. Alex's jaw clenches as she listens to the rest of the song, wondering if Tobin knew just how accurate the song was. Swallow the lump in her throat, Alex tries to quell her nerves. 

 

"Is this like house music or something?"

 

Tobin shrugs, oblivious to the way Alex has tensed. "It's a remix, I know that."

 

Almost.

 

\--

 

On Thursday night Alex thinks they she might not go out, especially after she gets a text from Tobin telling her that she thinks she’s died of a sweet potato casserole overload and that she’s had so much turkey she can’t remember what her name is ( _ “It’s Turkey. Or cranberry sauce. Either or. I’ve had so much of both tonight that it could be a real thing, Lex.” _ ). It settles a heaviness in her chest that wasn’t there before but it crumbles when her phone buzzes a few moments later. 

 

Tobs [10:18PM]: 

_ btw pick u up before midnight - turkey _

 

Tobs [10:18PM]:

_ or cranberry sauce _

 

Tobs [10:20PM]:

_ i still haven’t figured it out _

 

Alex Is The Greatest [10:20PM]:

_ Shut up Heath. I’m in a food coma and you’re being too loud. _

_ I’ll be ready by 11:30 just lemme know. _

 

Tobs [10:21PM]:

_ Turkey-Cranberry Sauce* >:(  _

_ k cool _

 

Tobs [10:24PM]:

_ oh btw bring my blanket the one i always use at your house  _

_ the super fuzzy one none of those leopard print ones from your room :( _

_ its cold tonight and i dont know if my blanket in the back will be enough _

 

Alex Is The Greatest [10:27]:

_ Okay  _

_ And shut up! Leopard print is cute!  _

 

At 11:45 that night Alex easily slides into Tobin's car, tossing her own favorite blanket at Tobin's face as she takes the one from the backseat.

 

"Lex, I said no leopard print!" 

 

_ \-- _

 

Tobin leaves Sunday afternoon joking about how relieved she is that she won’t have to drive an inch back at Chapel Hill. 

 

“You never complained about our drives before.” Alex challenges with a glare, crossing her arms over her chest as she pretends that she can’t feel whatever bloomed in her chest all those nights ago wilting with every second of their impending goodbye. 

 

Tobin’s smile softens but it’s what she says next that gives life to the wilting hope in chest.

 

“No. No, I haven’t.” 

 

\--

\--

 

“Hey, Lex, your phone has GPS right?” 

 

It’d been a week since Tobin’s been home for Christmas break and the only thing that’s changed is the number of songs in their  _ Epic Jams _ playlist. 

 

“Are you--? You’re joking right?” 

 

The last beats of  _ I Want It _ fade out in silence. Tobin glances over at Alex expectantly.

 

“Are you serious? Tobin seriously?!”

 

“Yeah. My bad.”

 

\--

 

Tobin cuts the engine as they stare up at the red and yellow sign that reads  _ Waffle House _ . 

 

“You _ did _ say you wanted waffles that one night.”

 

Alex shoots her a glare which Tobin shrinks under. Missing most of the turns _ and _ taking the wrong back roads on the way to the 4 star restaurant Alex had made dinner reservations for can sure light a fire in younger girl, apparently. It can also lead them two towns over.

 

The diner is relatively empty save for the girl at the register and the cook. Alex wishes she could be mad - furious, even - but as they slide into a booth, the streetlight casting an orange glow over the street just outside the window behind Tobin, Alex thinks that maybe she _doesn’t_ need an expensive dinner to have a nice quiet dinner with her best friend. 

 

Alex is almost done with her chocolate chip waffle when Tobin pulls out her instant film camera, “Cheeeeeeese!” Tobin laughs, snapping the shot of Alex, entirely ignorant of the way Alex’s heart swells. Instead, she sets her camera aside and waits for the film to develop, shoving bacon and eggs into her mouth. It’s not long before she’s going off about how it isn’t fair that Alex is  _ that _ photogenic.

 

“Don’t talk with food in your mouth. It makes you less  _ photogenic _ ” Alex teases, tipping her chin up just a bit with a smug look painted across her face.

 

Tobin just smirks and smacks her food even louder, slipping the picture of Alex into the photosleeve in her wallet. 

 

The act doesn’t go unnoticed by Alex and with a bashful smile that she tries to hide, she thinks  _ yeah, she doesn’t need it _ .

 

(Tobin still feels a little guilty though. So to make it up to her she draws four stars next to the  _ Waffle House _ printed at the top of their receipt. 

 

She barely ducks out of the way when Alex lunges forward to - what Tobin guesses - strangle her.)

 

\--

 

Later on the drive home, after Siri announces that they’re an forty-five minutes away from their destination, Tobin apologizes for how the night went. 

 

“I’m still sorry about, you know messing up the plans but this was fun.” Tobin says with a glance at Alex. Her smile stretching when their eyes meet. “It was definitely more of our aesthetic, right?”.

 

Alex raises her eyebrows at the trendy word and teases the older girl. “So our aesthetic is a run down diner in the middle of nowhere?” she asks, knowing she’s long since forgiven Tobin. Still, she’s not going to back down. So when Tobin eyes her arched eyebrow and the smirk on her lips, Alex can’t help that her gaze flickers down to the older girl’s slightly chapped lips for a second. 

 

Tobin doesn’t catch it, or at least if she does she doesn’t she doesn’t acknowledge it. Instead she shrugs with a lazy smile, her hand resting on the gear shift reaches out for one of Alex’s. She doesn’t say anything for a few seconds and Alex thinks it’s for the best since she can’t remember how to exhale. When Tobin does speak up Alex isn’t sure if it’s what she says that pushes out another breath or the way Tobin’s hand starts to play with her own.

 

“I was thinking more like, homey and cozy and warm, but when you say it like that it makes us sound more exciting than we are.” Tobin squeezes Alex’s hand, glancing over again before looking back onto the road. “I don’t know how I feel about false advertisement.”  _ Then what would you call this because best friends don’t - they don’t hold hands  _ Alex wishes she could say but the words never come out of her mouth. Instead they sit in another silence - another gap - before Tobin squeezes their hands again, moving them onto her own lap as she apologizes again.

 

Alex should be mad that Tobin ruined a dinner that took her almost the entire day to get ready for but she doesn’t even care. She especially doesn’t care when Tobin lets her fingers slip into the spaces between her own and keeps them there until she drops her off at home.

 

\--

 

Christmas break disappears in an instant like every year and like every good bye, Alex dreads it. 

 

“Leave some space in there for me alright?” Alex smiles as Tobin pulls her into a hug. “Don’t fill it up with pictures of all your imaginary friends.” For Christmas Alex had gotten Tobin a small photo album for all her film from her instant camera and it was safe to say Tobin loved it, opting out of opening the rest of her gifts until she’d put all her favorite pieces of film into the album.

 

“Don’t be dumb. I’ll have always have a spot for you.” 

 

\--

\--

 

Sometimes Alex almost believes that Tobin knows. 

 

It’s in the moments when Tobin will hold her hand like it’s a totally normal thing to do. It’s when they find themselves down some road and Tobin will sing out Alex’s favorite songs like she wrote them just for her. It’s when Tobin’s phone is lit up like a Christmas tree at the end of the night because “you can’t spend time with someone if you’re on your phone the whole time,” or Alex’s favorite, “I just want to talk to you right now,”.

She has to know, right? She has to know what she’s doing, right? That the things she says aren’t what best friends who aren’t in love with each other say. _How can she not know?!_

 

\--

 

Alex hopes she doesn’t know.

 

**@tobin17** :  _ clear blue water and my favorite people. @kohara @megkling @laurencheney @arodriguez8 _

 

God, she prays Tobin doesn’t know.

 

Alex stares at Tobin’s tweet. Spring Break was coming to an end and although Alex had had fun with her friends, she can’t help but be bitter toward her best friend. 

 

Tobin told Alex she wasn’t coming home for Spring Break two days before she was expecting her to be home. She told her how she and some college friends were going to spend Spring break at her friend’s summer house somewhere along the West coast. Then, with the salt she didn’t mean to pour, she asked Alex what her plans for the break were. 

 

Deep breaths and a desperate effort to crush the hollowness she felt in her chest, Alex told Tobin all about her plans. She told her all about the places she wanted to go see and this new playlist she made for the trip. She said it all as if she didn’t picture Tobin in the driver’s seat, or that she didn’t just name the new playlist of 12 songs she’s sure Tobin would love,  _ Epic Jams II - Spring Break Edition _ . 

 

The phone call ends soon after when Alex tells her she has to call one of her friends to see who’s driving (Which isn’t entirely a lie. She does have to call one of her friends - a few of her friends - and see if they’re busy during the break. Lord knows she isn’t). 

 

For the rest of the night Alex tells herself she’ll have fun without Tobin. 

 

\--

 

And she does. 

 

In between the intense cyber-stalking and the feeling of being left behind, Alex actually has fun. Who could think of anything that would make jumping off a rope swing and into a river not fun? 

 

Apparently, she could, because moments before Alex lets go of the swing, all she can see are the products of her stalking. She hits the water and for a moment everything is clear and she isn’t thinking about the freckled girl on Tobin’s back pushing an ice cream cone into Tobin’s nose. The same freckled girl who seems to post a lot about Tobin over the past few months. Alex wonders for a few seconds, once she’s resurfaced, why she’s never heard about this girl.

 

\--

 

On the night before classes pick up again Tobin calls Alex asking about how her break went. She fills her in on all the details of the trip and somewhere between the waterfall and the swarm of bees, Alex manages to squeeze in Jaime and how he’d asked her to prom underneath the waterfall and how when she said yes, he kissed her.

 

And she kissed him back. 

 

It’s quiet for a few seconds and Alex waits because it’s what she’s always done. 

 

When Tobin finally responds she tells Alex she’s happy for her and Alex prays Tobin doesn’t  _ know _ because she’s never had rejection like this - the type that could rip her in two.

 

\--

 

Later that same night, Kelley O’Hara - the freckled girl - posts _another_ instagram photo ( _who double - wait, triple posts anyway?_ ). It was of Tobin and if that wasn’t enough to rile Alex up, it was a picture of Tobin glaring at the camera. The caption was, “ **kohara:** _sadface @tobin17 is a sadface Kelley_ ”. 

 

(Honestly, Alex isn’t surprised they’re friends.)

 

Alex closes the app before she finds another picture of Tobin and Kelley. Instead she looks through the pictures Jaime tagged her in on Facebook. She ignores the nagging voice in her head wondering if Tobin has seen any of them yet. 

 

\--

\--

 

Some weeks go by and Tobin and Alex don’t talk about Spring Break. Instead they talk about how Tobin’s coming down the weekend of Alex’s regionals because “I can’t not watch you reclaim the title, come on Morgan”. They talk about all the schools that have been pining over the “goal scoring machine of DC” and which ones she’s taking seriously. 

 

Alex tells her of Notre Dame and UNC. 

 

Alex doesn’t tell her of Stanford and UC Berkeley.

 

It’s childish, she knows but she can’t keep giving her everything to someone who can’t do the same in return. It hurts too much. 

 

\--

 

The weekend Tobin comes down for regionals is the same weekend Tobin meets Jaime. It wasn’t planned but it was going to happen eventually. 

 

(They were a thing. 

 

Not officially. 

 

Alex doesn’t think she can do official. 

 

Not unless... It doesn’t matter. 

 

When she told him just that, she was expecting him to kick and scream but what she got was a warm smile and a hand to hold. 

 

She won’t do official, not with Jaime.

 

And she thinks he won’t do official with her either.   
  


She thinks that maybe Jaime gave his heart away to someone who would never give it back too. That maybe they’re both just looking for warm bodies to ease the ache.)

 

So when Jaime wraps his arms around Alex’s waist from behind, right after Tobin and Alex are done with their foot-handshake, laughing over nothing as the high of a five-peat (established in Tobin’s freshman year on the Varsity squad) is rushing over them, Tobin stills. She takes in the way Alex goes from surprised to tense to.. something she can’t figure out. 

 

\--

 

After all the pictures and celebrations are done, Alex walks into the parking lot in search of a certain someone. Who she finds first isn’t who she was looking for. A familiar beat up Corolla sits idly as an even more familiar brunette leans against the side of it. 

 

Alex stands there, staring, but then again so does Tobin. There’s a look in Tobin’s eyes that makes Alex feel as if all her secrets are written across her skin and for once Tobin doesn’t know how to read her. 

 

Just as Tobin pushes off her car door, Jaime calls out to Alex, telling her that he’s going to bring his Jeep around. She eyes Tobin for a moment longer before she realizes that she can’t read Tobin anymore either. 

 

\-- 

 

She rides home with the dirty blonde haired boy who drives a Jeep that his daddy bought instead of the Corolla that Tobin worked for, trying to block out the disappointed look on Tobin’s face when she took her first step back - away from her and towards Jaime.

 

\--

 

It’s only a few hours later when Alex sees Tobin again. 

 

The younger girl is at a teammates house party and at first the thought of drinking Tobin away was promising, but now she realized all she did was make herself miss her more. After about three hours she calls Tobin and tells her she doesn’t wanna ride home with Jaime. 

 

“I want you.” Alex slurs into her phone. 

 

It isn’t even a second later that Tobin responds with, “I’m on my way.”

 

\--

 

When Alex spots Tobin through the mass of people in the living room, she wonders why the older girl looks so… _frantic_. The thought doesn’t last long because the look turns into relief when their eyes meet and Alex absolutely melts. 

 

“Are you okay? What happened?” Was the first thing that Tobin says to her. Alex feels a little bit offended, she’s rocking a little black dress and her hair is down in the way that Tobin likes, so to not get a compliment stings (so did the vodka earlier but she’s had enough that she doesn't feel it anymore).

 

Arm draped around Tobin’s neck and the other hanging over her shoulder, Alex just beams at the older girl because even if she didn’t get her compliment she got Tobin. Sorta. Well, she’s got Tobin’s arm around her waist so, for tonight, that’s enough. 

 

(If she weren’t so tipsy she would’ve cringed at how pathetic that was.)

 

\--

 

Halfway through the drive home Alex screeches for Tobin to stop because she just saw the 24-hour sign by the Wendy's on the side of the road. After a confusion and fitful 20 minutes at the drive-thru, they continue the ride home in a thick silence until Alex decides between chews of her fries and chocolate Frosty, that she has something to share. She says it through a mouth full of food and making the words come out as a garbled mess.

 

“What?” Tobin asks, her head whipping to Alex and then back to the road. “His  _ what _ ?”

 

“ _Hands_ , Toby,” Alex stresses, her words still a bit slurred. 

 

Tobin tenses and Alex tries to commit it to memory. It’s gone before she knows it. "Al, I don't really wanna hea--"

 

Ignoring Tobin, Alex continues. “They were too--too big.” 

 

Tobin glances over at Alex, confused and wary of where this conversation will go. The younger girl’s brow was furrowed like she was trying to figure out why his hands were “too big”. If she weren’t so concerned about what Alex was about to tell her, she’d find it adorable.

 

A string of moments pass before Alex finally figures out what she wants to say. When she does, the crease in her brow is gone and a look Tobin can’t quite make out has taken its place, but Alex is smiling so that has to be good.

 

“And… and they weren’t yours.” 

 

Alex notices how Tobin swallows and how she grips the steering wheel like she always does. 

 

“He holds my hand but his hands are too big and they’re not yours.” There's a finality to Alex's words and they end in the drunken girl tugging on one of Tobin's arms so she can hold one of the hands she's been speaking of. 

 

Tobin doesn’t say anything and when Alex doesn’t either she glances over to see that the girl has fallen asleep five minutes away from her house. She sighs, glancing at their hands clasped together in Alex's lap.  Taking another look at the sleeping girl, Tobin's thankful that, at least Alex won’t be able to see the blush that spreads across her cheeks. 

 

\--

 

They don’t talk about that night either. 

 

\--

\--

 

Alex kinda accepts it now. She’s pretty sure Tobin knows and that she isn’t saying anything because she doesn’t want to hurt Alex by rejecting her and as much as it sucks it’s everything Alex needs to sign to Stanford. 

 

She doesn’t expect much when she tells Tobin, which is why she’s so blindsided by her reaction.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Is the first thing Tobin says when Alex answers the phone. 

 

“I was going to call you after dinner but you beat me to it.” 

 

“Alex.”

 

“...Yeah?”

 

“...You said you were considering Notre Dame or Hill. You never said anything about Stanford.” Alex can hear the hurt in Tobin’s voice and she knows what she’s about to say isn’t going to help but she does it anyway. 

 

“I need to get away from here, Tobin. I need a fresh start and that’s something that Stanford has that Notre Dame and UNC can’t offer.” _ I need to get away from  _ you _ , Tobin.  _

 

Moments pass and neither girl speaks. The only way of knowing Tobin is still on the other end is by the sound of her breath and for once, well maybe for a long time now, it doesn’t calm Alex like it used to. 

 

“Okay.” 

 

“Okay?”

 

“If it has what you need and that’s what you want, then yeah, I’m happy for you.”  _ You’re what I need and you’re what I want but it hurts too much to stay knowing I can’t have either. _

 

Alex blinks. She wonders if Tobin’s voice has always sounded this hollow… or tired. But then as the seconds tick by she wonders when the gaps turned into holes. 

 

\--

\--

 

Prom is about as underwhelming as everyone says it is. 

 

Alex wonders how society managed to sell the whole thing - the spending hundreds of dollars on a dress you’ll only wear for a single night, on hair and make-up, on a fancy dinner, on flowers for the  _ clothes _ \- it’s ridiculous. 

 

(So maybe Alex used to be one of those people who loved the idea of prom but that was when she also had the idea that for a perfect night you’d need a perfect date and Jaime.. well he.. he is many things but the perfect date for Alex is  _ not _ one of those.)

 

After two hours at the actual dance Alex and her group leave opting for an early start to their after prom. She has high hopes for their after prom, mostly because she knows her friends and she knows how her friends are when they’ve had enough to drink. They were definitely going to have a good time. 

Or at least she thought, until Jaime blasts  _ Rather Be _ in his Jeep. 

 

(He’s boisterous and loud and laughing and it hurts Alex in all the ways Tobin’s rendition of it could never.

 

She tries to push through but after the first chorus and feeling of tears pricking her eyes, she changes the song with a few fake laughs.

 

He doesn’t sing to her for another few songs.)

 

\--

 

After what happened in the car Alex hits the drinks _ hard _ . 

 

She downs shot after shot trying to get Tobin’s face out of her head. 

 

It’s not working. 

 

So she keeps drinking.

 

Syd’s boyfriend, Dom, makes a wild thrown together jungle juice and after three refills Alex doesn’t know anything but her need to dance. 

 

Pulling on Jaime’s hand she doesn’t even notice how his hands are too big… and not Tobins.

 

\--

 

By the time Alex rounds the corner to get her fifth refill in an two hours Syd decides it’s time to cut Alex off and give her some water. She argues that she doesn’t need to be cut off but Syd dumps her cup anyway. 

 

Naturally, when Syd - and Dom - aren’t looking, Alex steals herself another cup and slips into the backyard. Not before catching a glimpse of them cuddled up together on the couch. Jaw clenched, she gets away without being seen.

 

Plopping down onto the steps of the patio Alex feels the weight of the year weigh down on her. It had been a good year, high GPA, MVP of the season, etc, etc. The only thing that could weigh her down was the one thing she didn’t have, Tobin. Alex knew these feelings for her best friend would only end in her losing Tobin. It happened so gradually that Alex doesn’t know how she managed to let everything slip through her fingers. Tobin was always there, until slowly she wasn’t. 

 

Or maybe Tobin was still there but Alex wasn’t. 

 

Alex tries to piece things together but all she can think of is how she isn’t here. Tobin isn’t here. She’s off at UNC doing things that makes her too busy to call or text. Tobin’s off with Kelley and the other social media people like  _ @arogdriguez8 _ and  _ @laurencheney _ and not with her. 

 

It isn’t long before Alex is dialing Tobin’s number (something she’d know even if she were spun fifteen times and kicked in the gut).

 

Tobin answers on the second ring.

 

“Hello? Alex?” Tobin’s voice is thick and scratchy and it just ticks Alex off.

 

“Fuck you, Tobin!” Alex says after taking a large swig of her drink.

 

“Wait, what?”

 

“Fuck you! You left me! You--you left me to be with your people while I’m here at prom with a date who isn’t perfect and just fuck you!” Alex spits (when she wakes up later she’ll realize just how weak of a start she had).

 

“Left you? Alex what’re you talking about? Are you still at prom? Are you okay?”

 

“Stop! Stop caring, Tobin! Dammit! You have to stop caring because I know you don’t!” 

 

“Of course I do, Alex.” Tobin’s answer is firm and clear for the first time since she’d answered.

 

“No you don’t, Tobin! If you cared I wouldn’t be here--alone and wanting you with me!” Alex’s shouts were enough to make her miss the tears rolling down her cheeks. “If you cared about me you would’ve told me that you weren’t happy that I kissed Jaime! You wouldn’t have said you were happy that I was moving across the fucking _country_ Tobin! You. Don’t. Care.” There’s silence on Tobin’s end and Alex takes it as her cue to keep going, so she wipes at her eyes with the back of her hand that’s holding the cup and starts again.

 

“You say I’m your best friend but I’m not. I know I’m not. I’m just Alex. I’m just the kid a few streets over who you always hung out with when you were a kid but now you’re not a kid and now you’re off doing things and Alex is just Ale--”

 

“No you’re not!” Tobin cuts her off. 

 

“Yes I am!” A sob wracks Alex’s body as she raises her voice. “I’m just Alex and I shouldn’t even be mad at you for that!” 

 

“Alex,” Tobin exhales. “stop saying that, okay?”

 

She’s shaking her head and it’s making her nauseous but she can’t listen to Tobin. 

 

“I’m just Alex and you don’t care…. and I can’t make you care about me the way I want you to, because I’m just--”

 

“Alex.” 

 

The brunette jolts when she feels a hand on her shoulder. She turns a little too quickly but the sad smile on Jaime’s lips helps a little (or maybe it doesn’t but at least she thinks it does). He notices the phone and gives her a soft look before asking her to give him the phone. She bites her lips and shakes her head. She needs to get this out before she loses her edge. They share their own pleading looks but it isn’t long before one of them cracks.

 

Jaime sighs. “Here.” He holds his hand out and reaches for Alex’s cup. Watching him cautiously, she lets him take it. “I’ll at least get you some water. Once you’re finished we’re calling it a night, okay?” She gives him a small tight lipped nod and he just smiles again, as if he knows exactly what’s going on in Alex’s head. Before he gets up he presses a kiss to her temple.

 

Her heart aches because she finally has someone the way she’s always wanted Tobin and it’s still not enough. As long as it’s not Tobin, Alex knows it won’t even be close to enough.

 

“Alex?” 

 

“Yeah?” 

 

“I do care.” 

 

Alex’s heart drops.

 

_ No. No she doesn’t. _

 

“You don’t Tobin. I know and-and I’ve--” Alex is desperate and scrambling and--

 

“I do and I always have.” 

 

No.

 

“Please don’t.” Alex wrenches her eyes shut. She can’t do this. Tobin can’t just--she can’t do this, not after Alex was just coming to terms with the rejection. She can’t be wrong. “Don’t just say that.” 

 

“You’re not just Alex. You’re….” Alex waits and waits and even after the third frustrated sigh on the other end of the line, she waits. 

 

Until she can’t.

 

“I’m what?” Alex doesn’t know how long it’d been but Jaime is back outside with her water, mumbling a “come to bed when you’re done here, okay babe?” against her cheek before pressing a kiss against it. He doesn’t help as much as he’s trying to. 

 

“Go to bed Alex.”

 

“I’m what, Tobin? I’m what?” She pleads, her lower lip quivering. Her body feels heavy and she knows she’ll collapse into herself soon enough. 

 

“Lex, go to bed. Jaime’s waiting.” 

 

And with that the line goes dead. 

 

\--

 

Alex cries and cries and cries until she eventually cries herself to sleep. She isn’t sure how long she’d been asleep but when Jaime picks her up off the hardwood of the patio, he smiles at her as if she wasn’t broken.

 

“I told you to come to bed when you were done, Alex, not go to bed.” 

 

There’s an emptiness in his grin but his eyes are red and puffy and she wonders what his story is; what happened with _his_ Tobin. 

 

Before she falls asleep she tells herself that one day she’ll tell Jaime about her Tobin and maybe one day he’ll tell her about his... 

 

\--

\--

 

“Alex! Sweetheart, we’re going to late! I have your cap, let’s go!” Alex’s father calls out for the third time that morning. 

 

It's the morning of her graduation and nothing can bring Alex down, not even the fact that she and Tobin hadn't spoken to one another for three weeks. Running up to her mirror Alex fixes her dress and checks her hair and makeup. When she’s sure she’s as put together as she can be she grabs her gown, cords, stole, and everything else she needs before dashing out the door. 

 

She’s not even in the car yet before her mother is cooing with unshed tears, “Mike, our baby girl is graduating. Oh, god. She’s so grown up now!” Alex’s mother quickly grabs a tissue as she continues to sob. Alex shares a quick look with her dad and her sisters before settling into the van. 

 

\--

 

It’s official, Alex Morgan is no longer a high school student but a graduate and now a Stanford Cardinal (and hopefully a starting forward).

 

Weaving her way through the crowd of graduates and teary eyed relatives, Alex presses her phone to her ear trying to figure out where Jeri is telling her to go. Her eyes search the outskirts of the crowd as she continues to push through, Jeri said Jaime and his family and friends were standing with them so she seeks out a head of dirty blonde hair and green eyes (being 6'2 has its perks, this is just one of them). It's another few minutes and multiple turn arounds and collisions before Alex finally spots her Jaime - and her family. It's another few seconds before they spot her and once they do s he can’t stop smiling if she tried. 

 

Reaching her family, Alex throws her arms around her father's neck first. He lifts her off the ground was praises of how proud he is of her and all she's achieved. She laughs into the embrace as she's being set down. 

 

Next, she reaches toward her mom as she tries to voice the pain of trying to find them. "Do you guys know how hard it was to fin--" Alex stops mid-sentence. Her arms still around her mother, gaze over her shoulder, Alex feels her heart come to a hard and fast halt before jolting back into an rapid pace. Her eyes are on a familiar brunette but that can't be... because her mother said that the Heath's told her, that they don't expect any of their kids home from college for another week. 

 

And yet.. standing across the lot...

 

"Tobin?!" Alex calls out to the brunette walking away.

**Author's Note:**

> Songs -  
> (Title) Mess We've Made by AJ Rafael Ft. Tori Kelly  
> Rather Be by Clean Bandit Ft. Jess Glynne  
> Stars Falling Down Remix by Kina Grannis Ft. Paul Dateh  
> I Want It - Olivver the Kid


End file.
